tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32552309922594823052024-03-15T18:10:05.393-07:00Mercurial Ramblingsmind; hurry;
mind; intellectual faculties; impaired thinking; confusion;
mind; insanity;
mind; insanity; mania, madness;
mind; memory; forgetful;
mind; memory; weakness of memory;
mind; restlessness, nervousness;Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-13235837605631423252013-06-08T08:54:00.003-07:002013-06-08T08:57:10.184-07:00Last night<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">“I used to be in a lot
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Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-14792879426542571062012-12-17T20:15:00.000-08:002012-12-17T20:15:18.240-08:00mother<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Because something was lost, long ago</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">We travel forever down these bloody rainbows,
attached to nothing</span></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-58607847109001567922012-12-17T19:57:00.000-08:002012-12-17T19:57:12.771-08:00prayer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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over again</span></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-57116432071624485112012-12-17T19:53:00.002-08:002012-12-17T19:53:50.332-08:00To Hart, whom God created<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">to Hart, Whom God Created</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Face hidden by one phantom hand, you are
exquisite.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Hart, God knows where you are hiding.</span></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-14536021944008259392012-12-17T19:51:00.002-08:002012-12-17T19:51:22.831-08:00Sad<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">It made me sad to see her pictures, my
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-59679251542514629442012-11-17T14:11:00.004-08:002012-11-17T14:12:02.709-08:00Birth Trauma is Real<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Birth trauma is real. For twenty-five years it sat like a
tumor in my chest; I couldn’t cough up that last bit of fluid. It was trapped
there, and I didn’t even know it, because it was my normal; in some ways it
still is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, one day it moved to the
side just a little bit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was sitting with a group of sisters, watching an innocuous
birth film full of kiddie pools, empowered women, and beautiful stories. My
heart felt full as I watched what we hardly ever get to see - babies moving,
unencumbered by drugs or fear, making their way out of their mamas, welcomed
with the energy of peace.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Voices slowed around me as I watched one woman give birth
with the “assistance” of a reformed obstetrician who had reportedly progressed
beyond the confines of the medical model of childbirth. Only he hadn’t. Because
as this beautiful woman gathered all of the power of the universe in the moment
of restitution, when her baby’s head was on the perineum, her “caregiver”
reached toward him, seemingly to begin head traction. He was pulling on the
infant’s head. Mama suddenly yelled “DON’T” or “NO” – I can’t remember which –
and my heart started thumping quickly as I watched that disembodied glove continue
its manipulation. So close to her sex, opened boldly and magnificently; so
close to little ears and lips painted pink in the dim light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And at that moment the little stone in my chest that had
obstructed my breathing for so many years moved just a little to the left,
caused an avalanche, and I could feel those dull latex hands on my own tender
scalp. Suddenly all of the times that I had said no, and had it fall on deaf
ears -all of the times that I had said “No” or “Don’t” rose from my chest to my
throat and I choked on the words. My heart turned over with sickening thump.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tears dripped onto the blanket that I clutched tightly
around me as I waited for some sort of justice; surely it would be brought up
in the recollection of this woman’s birth. This “birth assistant” would be
spoken to, embarrassed; it would be acknowledged that both woman and infant had
been violated – this would be part of the film.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it wasn’t. And Mama felt good about her birth. There she
was, a few weeks later, cheeks rosy and smile wide and honest. Her baby was
bundled in her arms, perhaps breastfeeding, or simply being rocked and
comforted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told her birth story, but
that word – “NO” – was left out somehow. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my mind I was transported back to the birth of a
beautiful baby named Dallas – a baby born to a mama who fought as hard as she
could to keep him safe against hospital protocols. At home, before she panicked
and decided to go to the hospital, we hung out and folded what little baby
clothes had been passed down from her sister. We listened to rap music, and her
dark eyes shone with pride as she talked about how she was going to have her
baby “naturally” – they had told her there was a birth tub even. I hung cedar
in the doorway and brushed her shiny black hair as she ate tater tots and
rubbed her belly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once the hospital doors whooshed open and enveloped us,
there was no turning back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She closed
her eyes against the onslaught of fluorescent noise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to take her by the hand, back to her
little townhouse where the lights were weak and her heart was strong. She let
go of my hand, and that was it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After negotiating with nurses to let her walk, keep her “off
the monitor”, to let her have something to drink (only ice chips of course), to
let her wear her pants under her gown because she was sixteen and embarrassed
by stretch-marks, I sat down in the corner, numb. Through blurry eyes I watched
her sleep; I wrung my hands and watched the monitor as her contractions
wandered in and out like the bustling nurses and interns. The first time one of
them slipped a glove on and parted her legs she woke with alarm, and I heard
familiar words – “It’s okay.” “Just relax.” I also heard her say no. What right
did she have to say no?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
None. Not there. The monitors beeped and swooshed and she
went back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the third time
she didn’t even wake up when the nurse apologized for cold fingers, and I
winced as I watched a gloved hand reach under the blanket, probably feeling for
baby’s head. When we were alone again I pulled her hair back from her face,
warmed her tiny hands in mine, and covered her legs back up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Later on they shook her awake and told her to push – her
baby was ready to be born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a second
I saw her dark eyes flicker and when they told me to hold her legs back I could
not leave her side; I didn’t want to let go of her hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse rolled her eyes at me and, after
twenty minutes and an episiotomy, Dallas was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched, anesthetized, as they wrapped him
up quickly and put him in the warmer, where he was suctioned endlessly. His
black eyes caught mine and I spoke to him with my mind. “I’m sorry,” I told
him. “There is love here – it’s just a few feet away.” And it was. His mama lay
there, watching and waiting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few hours later I stumbled past the grass in front of the
hospital and into my friend’s car. I cried myself to sleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had, even at that point, seen many births like this one. I
have heard many women say “NO,” or “DON’T” – words meant to stop, to remind the
other person that attached to this body is, indeed, a human, but these words
are meaningless so much of the time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many of us said no when we were children too, and no one
listened then either. We learned to go to sleep, to leave our bodies, because
we couldn’t make it stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some of us
this began the moment we struggled to take our first breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rough hands pulled on our heads, objects were
shoved down our throats as we gagged and choked until we stopped even believing
in the power of our own voices. We entered this world believing that our
mothers were too weak to push us out, that we were too weak to breathe on our
own, that not even our fathers or our months of practice breathing could
protect us from hands that do not recognize us as human. We did not learn what
it means to be alive. Compassionate. Gentle. Loving.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That doctor – all of the doctors – They didn’t learn it
either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe they were pulled out of
their mamas too, just like I was. And maybe, like me, they carry that around in
their own chests, and it obstructs their breathing like it does mine,
especially in moments of fear. Maybe no one listened to their “No’s” or
“Don’ts” either and they would surrender just as easily. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Birth trauma is real, for everyone involved. The soul of a
human being is not meant to engage in an order that systematically destroys
confidence in the most fundamental, instinctive process there is. The denial of
women’s power to give birth, strapping her down, rendering her helpless and
unable to assist in the journey of her own baby, is the most basic and absolute
expression of misogyny and gynophobia. This is not fixed by hospitals fixing up
their rooms to look more “cozy”, or with the purchase of birthing balls or
pools or bars that can be affixed to hospital beds. These are objects made to
exacerbate her failure – if she has access to props and she still cannot give
birth properly, what kind of woman is she? There is no possibility of success.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even when there is felt success (a healthy family), it is
illusory, because the process of birth is orchestrated so perfectly, so
beautifully, that it is not meant to be tampered with in any manner at all. No
hands. No instruments. No monitors. Women, with no intervention, can give birth easily and safely.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After all, how could possibly cause more harm than we
already have?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We live in a world where
women and infants are, at the best of medical-model births undermined over-managed,
and at the worst - brutalized and sexually assaulted. Hospital hallways (even
in Canada) are lined with portable carts filled with bottles of formula ready
to shove in a baby’s mouth at the first sign of their mother’s failure to feed
them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Failure. No. Don’t. We need to stop closing our mouths and
ears against these words and take back our births, for the sake of the memory
of our bodies and those of our children and of their children and theirs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-70471386907816267032012-05-08T11:21:00.000-07:002012-05-08T11:21:02.867-07:00There is no ending<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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My eleven year old son and I are sitting a couch eroded by
time and evenings of wrestling and cuddling; it is eroded by the spilling over
of sickness and pet hair and declarations of endless love.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His bare legs are over mine; he has no sense of where his
space ends and mine begins. In my peripheral vision I see eyes made up of every
colour conceivable, eyes carefully sketched by the hands of a magnificent
god.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are gazing out the window at
people shuffling by with shopping carts filled with soon-to-be-cashed-in
televisions and empties that promise five dollar bills and tins of moist
tobacco. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children toddle far behind,
clutching coins sticky with sweat and anticipation, black hair gleaming like
the most beautiful fire. In front of the house next door, a man walks in
endless circles, like a restless dog on a chain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Noah can’t see him and I am glad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead he blinks and I watch his irises
contract against an aggressive sun; in my mind I picture this sun hunting my
child, lifting up chairs, searching in all shades of darkness.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I pull him against me and he is warm, and all is well again until
I hear my name. He speaks hesitantly, absently rubbing his feet on his sister’s
hair. She is seated on the floor, colouring a picture, and I wait for him to
finish.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“What will the world be like in a hundred years?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sasha looks to me, waiting for my answer, turning over her
picture so that I won’t see it, but I do anyway. It’s a unicorn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be careful, Damien, I think to myself, and I
try to be but inside my heart the world speeds by in fast forward, and it is
nothing that I can speak aloud to my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Noah pulls me back again with a giggle. “It’s okay, Bob,” he says, idly
stroking my arm. “In a hundred years everyone we know will be dead.” Sasha
laughs too, and I hold my breath in waiting.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She glides on her knees on the worn wooden floors, to where
we are sitting, and smiles up at me, but I can see her eyes, coal black, turn
to liquid. Those eyes that I have studied like the most precious jewel; eyes
that, when she was born, I held up to the window, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to see the colours held within, shaken but not
surprised by the iridescence of all that is hidden inside black – like a raven’s
wing in the sunlight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I speak to her with
my mind as my heart climbs into my throat. Come.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Noah moves and she crawls into my lap, wrapping her tiny
brown arms around me and squeezing as hard as she can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her sobs fill my ears and I talk to her
softly about how there is never an ending – that she will never end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Noah reminds me – Bob, not everyone believes
that- but I keep rocking and whispering because I cannot bring myself, in this
moment, to take away what she is desperately clinging to; this hope that at the
end of all of this – there is something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I cannot tell her about my own sleepless nights and bargains with God –
that will come later, when her heart is mended and standing all on its own. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Later, after everyone is sleeping and I am washing my face
before bed, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. My own eyes are shining,
despite knowing loss and fear for so many years. Theirs will too, I think, and
I am relieved – there is no ending.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt2tEPELFGa77BzpGGE8Zd6XR2nA7xxdWoOZXAodJu0QyhBN2B4rGZX9uyVRs9Oj2freywsIOADztMwuTZByk3cZf8Hvq39BbvtXv_mUHhJoc0ck-Q2eBeeP_jlPXqrmOLvEk2w4pvaaw/s1600/283497_212527362127292_138927369487292_624690_5939704_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt2tEPELFGa77BzpGGE8Zd6XR2nA7xxdWoOZXAodJu0QyhBN2B4rGZX9uyVRs9Oj2freywsIOADztMwuTZByk3cZf8Hvq39BbvtXv_mUHhJoc0ck-Q2eBeeP_jlPXqrmOLvEk2w4pvaaw/s320/283497_212527362127292_138927369487292_624690_5939704_n.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-31818423932071088212012-03-12T09:41:00.001-07:002012-03-12T09:44:27.305-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">“Spontaneous labour in a normal woman is an event marked by a number of processes so complicated and so perfectly attuned to each other that any interference will only detract from the optimal character. The only thing required from the bystanders is that they show respect for this awe-inspiring process by complying with the first rule of medicine – nil nocere [do no harm]” (Kloosterman, 1982)<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> Toward a More Humane Paradigm of Birth<br /></div><br /> Over the last fifty years, neonatal mortality rates in Western countries have drastically decreased, largely due to changes in technology that have allowed for more accurate fetal assessment, and earlier, more proactive obstetrical intervention (Harper, 1994). Dr. David Chamberlain describes a typical hospital birth in the developed world:<br /><br /> In hospitals, natural birth seldom survives the cascade of well-intentioned interference. Deliberate rupture of membranes will eliminate the hydraulic covering which protects the (infant) head; birth in the lithotomy position will nullify the effect of gravity and make progress difficult…complications may be assessed with electrodes implanted in the scalp, and blood samples taken by making a scalp wound. If chemicals have upset the normal processes of labour, the baby may have to be turned forcefully and removed by forceps (Chamberlain, 1989, p. 8).<br /><br /> While opportunity for physical survival may be less fragile for the human neonate, more progressive research suggests that the medicalization of childbirth undermines human life in other, more profound ways. Prominent obstetrician and natural childbirth advocate Michel Odent states, “Humanity is at a turning point, when all our deep rooted perinatal beliefs and rituals are losing their evolutionary advantages” (Odent, 1999, p. 24). While medical-model childbirth proponents approach birth as a process that must be “managed”, by excessive monitoring, pharmaceuticals, and violent interventions, there is evidence that sheds light on the need for a gentler paradigm of birth. This gentler paradigm is necessary to accommodate an expanding body of research that supports our growing understanding of neonatal consciousness and response to pain.<br /><br />The Medicalization of Childbirth<br /><br /> Prior to colonial times, birth was viewed as a social event, and babies were born into the hands of their mothers or other women, gently and without fear (Feldhusen, 2000). In the mid-18th century, before midwifery was driven underground by male obstetricians who were operating with a primitive understanding of the infant brain, minimal damage was done to neonates in the process of childbirth, which was, for the most part, non-invasive (Feldhusen, 2000). After this point, though women actively surrendered their bodies, the event remained a spiritual rite of passage until the association between midwifery and witchcraft forced many women into complete resignation to the medical model (Feldhusen, 2000). Currently, though some work has been done to reclaim childbirth as a rite of passage, obstetrical interventions are rapidly increasing (Buckley, 2005). In most urban centers in Canada, more than one third of infants are born by cesarean section, most labours involve some synthetic hormonal intervention, and the vast majority of neonates are born under the influence of narcotics (Buckley, 2005). In this culture of technocratic birth, a question lingers that must be asked: How much does the manner in which we are born affect who we ultimately become? It is obvious, states Dr. Sarah Buckley (2005) that “such deviations from the natural order, whose lore is genetically encoded in our bodies, must have enormous repercussions” (p.32).<br /><br /> Why, in the 21st century, has this model of technocratic birth become normalized, when research indicates that most medical interventions in childbirth are not only unnecessary, but destructive? There are many answers to this question, not the least of which is monetary greed. Czechoslovakian psychiatrist, Stanislov Grof, has studied the phenomenon of this self-perpetuating cycle of greed and violence for over fifty years. According to Dr. Grof: “It is not hard to imagine that the perinatal level of our unconscious which ‘knows’ so intimately the history of human violence is actually partially responsible for… (human) atrocities. If this is true, it should be possible to reduce the amount of malignant aggression by a change in birth practices (Grof, 1995, p. 16). Why, then, has this cycle been allowed to continue? A partial answer to this question can be found in current obstetrical understanding of neonatal psychology, and the fact that we may be operating from an outdated perception of the consciousness level of the human neonate (Randolph, 2011).<br /><br />The Conscious Neonate<br /><br /> Though the study of neonatal consciousness dates back to the emergence of modern psychology, it was not until 1929, when Otto Rank published his work entitled Das Trauma der Geburt (The Trauma of Birth), that most research on this subject began (Sheets-Johnstone, 2008). Rank, a student of Freud’s, who disagreed with Freud’s analysis of the origins of trauma, began to study the experience of the neonate (Sheets-Johnstone, 2008), especially as these experiences relate to neurosis. Rank believed that “birth was the individual’s original encounter with anxiety and that it would inevitably plague him throughout his life”(Randolph, 2011, p.1). Rank also traced many physical ailments back to an individual’s experience of birth trauma, contending that “all neurotic disturbances in breathing (asthma), which repeat the feeling of suffocation, relate directly to the physical reproductions of the birth trauma… the migraine goes back to the specifically painful part allotted to the head in parturition…(Rank, 1952, p. 23). Following Rank’s contribution to our current understanding of the experience of the neonatal experience of childbirth, other researchers have since corroborated his findings (Buckley, 2005).<br /><br /> But just how conscious is the neonate? There is mounting evidence to suggest that the perception of neonates as “primitive” beings with immature, underdeveloped brain structures without the capability of complex activity, is incorrect at best (Prechtl, 1984). According to Dr. David Chamberlain (1989), neonates, and even prenates are conscious and able to respond to pain:<br /><br /> … American physician, George Ryder, heard the sound of a baby crying after he had applied traction with forceps. Listening via stethoscope his assistant and nurses said the sounds were “high and squealing, much like the mew of a kitten.” This moving event led to a world literature search… in many languages, reported by 114 different authors. Analysis of these records showed that crying (in utero) was almost always associated with obstetrical procedures. About 20% of the crying prenates died – indicating the urgent nature of the cries (p.4).<br /><br /> Further research found this report to be irrefutable. Babies were witnessed crying in utero when experiencing “a hand entering the uterus to bring down a leg, application of forceps, injections of analgesia, inserting a catheter, or rupturing the amniotic sac” (Chamberlain, 1989, p. 4). Dr. Chamberlain describes an account of a group of doctors, midwives, and a mother, who heard a baby “cry five different times over a twelve hour period before labour began, describing it as a startling and awesome event” (p. 4). Though some scientists have judged pain to be healthy for the neonate because it “activates endorphins and prepares the baby for real life” (Chamberlain, 1989, p. 2), research points to the fact that they could not be more wrong. Dr. Sarah Buckley (2005) questions the impact of modern birth practices on more than just neurosis:<br /><br /> We live in a society where depression and anxiety are among the largest burdens of disease worldwide, according to the World Health Organization, and children as young as four are being diagnosed with these conditions; and where young people, at the prime of their lives, are choosing in large numbers to opt out of reality, with mind-altering drugs, or to opt out permanently through suicide (Buckley, 2005, p. 32).<br /><br />The Impact of Childbirth Interventions on Psychological Functioning<br /><br /> A handful of researchers in Sweden questioned these social issues, and, interested in the correlation between addiction, suicide and birth interventions, studied the birth records of opiate addicts born in a twenty year span, comparing them with the records of their non-addicted siblings (Jacobson, 1990). Individuals whose mothers has been administered pain medications in labour, such as nitrous oxide, opiates, or barbiturates, were predisposed to amphetamine and opiate addiction later in life, especially if the administration of these drugs was ongoing throughout a woman’s labour (Jacobson, 1990). Grof (1995) sums up another research study by Jacobson (1987) which examined the link between suicide and birth interventions. This study found that there was an alarming correlation between the type of intervention, and chosen suicide method. Grof points out: “Suicides involving asphyxiation were associated with suffocation at birth, violent suicides with mechanical birth trauma, and drug addiction leading to suicide with opiate and/or barbiturate administration during labour” (Jacobson, 1987, Grof, 1995, p.16). These studies have since been repeated in America with strikingly similar results (Buckley, 2005).<br /><br /> This research points to a process called ‘imprinting’, which is described as “an unconscious need to repeat a traumatic experience at birth as an adult” (Jacobson, B., 1987, p.370). Randolph (2011) describes the infant perception of pain in terms of “concept of time” (p.5), stating that every experience, to the neonate, feels like “forever” (p.5). This complicates the therapeutic process for individuals attempting to heal issues related to birth trauma, due to the fact that “when they are reliving birth feelings, the pain feels as if it is unending” (Randolph, 2011, p.5). The same author relates her own experience as a professional in the field of primal therapy, the process of reliving one’s birth in a controlled, therapeutic setting:<br /><br /> This perception of unending pain may cause a patient to become hopeless and suicidal. We… have found that all suicidal feelings arise from the individual’s first confrontation with severe pain and near death from morbid conditions in the womb. It’s not just the pain that plunges one into suicidal gestures, but these infantile feelings that go with it; the sense of timelessness, that the pain will never end (Randolph, 2011, p.5).<br /><br /> Randolph (2011) continues by stating that neonates have a built-in reflexive response that can filter “some of the sensory process” (p.5). She states: “As the infant’s total consciousness is reduced, he loses some of his ability to fight for survival, and, to varying degrees, relinquishes his participation in the birth process” (Randolph, 2011, p.5). The result of necessitation of this specific defense mechanism can be devastating. Randolph (2011) concludes by stating that “Some infants may have blunted consciousness so extensively, owing to the unrelenting pain, that they are delivered half dead” (p. 5).<br /><br />Conclusion<br /><br /> Though the medical community is currently operating on the principle that most self-destructive behavior has its roots in early childhood and infant frustration (Grof, 1995), “modern consciousness research has revealed additional significant roots of violence in deep recesses of the psyche that lie beyond postnatal biography and are related to the trauma of biological birth” (Grof, 1995, p. 7).<br /><br /> What can be done to reduce the amount of suffering attributed to neonatal birth trauma? Recognition that neonatal pain is inevitable in childbirth due to the physiology of the birth process itself is not enough to justify the normalization of obstetrical interventions that have been proven detrimental to the human psyche (Chamberlain, 1989). We must change our perception of beings smaller and seemingly “less intellectually sophisticated” than ourselves to include the possibility of inflicted harm. Medical professionals can no longer plead ignorance, and continue to ignore a body of research that indicates that the experiences of the infant, neonate, and even the prenate, are an important aspect of how we live, and who we ultimately become. In the words of Dr. David Chamberlain (1989), a “cultural lag” exists between “what we know and what we do” (p. 9). We must confront this cultural lag, and insist on gentler, less invasive management of labour and birth. We must consider not only the experience of the mother, midwife, or doctor, but also the tiny human being who is not only sentient, but wise, and conscious. Let his first experience with touch be gentle, his eyes given opportunity to adjust to a world with light, and his future be spared painful body-memory of an event under which he had no control. Let us follow the research toward a more humane paradigm of birth.<br /><br />References<br /><br />Buckley, D. (2005). Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering. Brisbane: One Moon Press.<br /><br />Chamberlain, D. (1989, Summer). Babies Remember Pain. Pre- And Post-Natal Psychology, pp. 297-210.<br /><br />Feldhusen, A. (2000). The history of childbirth and midwifery in America. Midwifery Today.<br /><br />Grof, S. (1995). Consciousness evolution and planetary survival: Psychological roots of human violence and greed. Spirituality, Ecology, and Native Wisdom (pp. 1-23). Killarney, Ireland: Thirteenth International Transpersonal Conference.<br /><br />Harper, B. (1994). Gentle Birth Choices. Rochester: Healing Arts Press.<br /><br />Jacobson, B. E. (1987, March 15). Perinatal origin of adult self-destructive behaviour. Acta Psychiatr. Scand., pp. 364-371.<br /><br />Jacobson, B. N. (1990). Opiate addiction in adult offspring through possible imprinting after obstetric treatment. BMJ, 1067-1070.<br /><br />Kitzinger, S. (2000). Rediscovering Birth. New York: Little, Brown & Company.<br /><br />Kloosterman, G. (1982). The universal aspects of childbirth: Human birth as a socio-psychosomatic paradigm. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 35-41.<br /><br />Kresser, C. (2011). Natural childbirth III: Why undisturb birth? Fertility, Pregnancy & Childbirth, 1-15.<br /><br />Nyberg, K. A. (1992). Socio-economic versus obstetric risk factors for drug addiction in offspring. British Journal of Addiction, 1669-1676.<br /><br />Odent, M. (1999). The Scientification of Love. London: Free Association Books.<br /><br />Prechtl, H. (1984). Continuity of neural functions from prenatal to postnatal life. Oxford: Blackwell Scientific Publications.<br /><br />Randolph, B. (2011). Birth and its effect on human behaviour. The Denver Primal Journal, 1-8.<br /><br />Rank, O. (1952). The Trauma of Birth. New York: Robert Brunner.<br /><br />Sheets-Johnstone, M. (2008). The Roots of Morality. University Park: Pennsylvania State University Press.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-29011112834009266432011-08-16T20:07:00.000-07:002012-12-17T20:07:50.953-08:00my real mother<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-81667555897513976622011-05-13T20:17:00.000-07:002012-12-17T20:17:25.507-08:00voices from the carnival<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">In the beginning</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">**</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">**</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">In the end</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">**</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">A woman walks by, dressed in crappy stuffed
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I am falling</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Leather Face:</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">In this climate of absolute despair</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Hold onto this</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">She: Walks on by</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">They: Walk on by</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Everyone walks on by</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">THIS IS IT</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">"Got no money."</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">And I want to pull it all down</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">pull it all down</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">walk away</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">the sun</span></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-7712770659191729582010-12-24T19:59:00.000-08:002012-12-17T20:00:15.947-08:00Why am I so inclined to suffer?<br />
I plug my nose and stuff socks in my mouth so that I cannot breathe<br />
spit them out, panting and gagging<br />
Slicing my shoulders with a razor blade so that no one will see<br />
that I am a coward<br />
<br />
I smoke until I vomit<br />
The C-word not applicable anymore<br />
I exorcised that demon and it crawled back inside<br />
but sits in the corner, bored <br />
<br />
Why am I so inclined to lose?<br />
I lose everything I have, give it away, even after much thought<br />
I want someone to rip out my insides,<br />
turn me inside out. I see myself on street corners and think this is the only way<br />
I will be happy, with nothing<br />
This is calculated loss<br />
<br />
I am in and out of darkness<br />
This is the way it has to be for now<br />
<br />
<br />Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-28113796452933705382010-12-17T19:58:00.000-08:002012-12-17T19:59:01.253-08:00fear<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Sometimes my heart is dark as night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I step out of my body, watching the girl on
the bed, pillow over her head, shaking like a bag of bones.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">This fear recreates me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I step outside, feet barely touching the
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know that I shouldn't be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">This fear recreates me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I look inside windows and see people
staring at televisons. I watch a woman lean over her kitchen sink with her
hands full of bubbles, weeping.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">This fear recreates me</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">As I smooth my static, ghostly hair from my
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<span lang="EN-CA">And curtains close, and lights shut off and
I am born again.</span></div>
Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-68318990589645503822010-11-14T11:44:00.001-08:002010-11-14T11:44:59.133-08:00in safeway sometimes the music kills the moodwhen i leave my house i am someone else<br /><br />arms wider, chest open, waiting<br /><br />captivated by assholes on bikes<br /><br />breathing the stench of men who don't have to fight to be<br /><br />choking on words in safeway forgetting<br /><br />forgetting always forgetting to turn down the music in my ears<br /><br />people stare<br /><br />can of coke in my pocket, lungs full of streetnoise<br /><br />duck down when police roll by<br /><br />i live here<br /><br />forget that i live<br /><br />forget where i am<br /><br />in safeway sometimes the music kills the mood<br /><br />i wind down in the fierce cold fucking place where i live<br /><br />i wonder what is in my throat, talk to my insides<br /><br />fuck it i say, come up if you have to<br /><br />i dont know these people<br /><br />the man in the corner stares at me<br /><br />i put my hood up<br /><br />open my eyes a little wider<br /><br />exhaleDamienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-1647198332127152542010-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:002010-11-14T11:44:09.638-08:00A Beautiful GiftHe is staring at me. The nicotine stains on my fingers.. my hair, which he finds amusing. I look back at him and wonder how he can wear a wool sweater in this kind of heat. His eyes are gummy, and I ask him if he has been to see a doctor lately.<br /><br />He coughs long and hard, painfully, clutches his chest and tells me that he hasn't, because he feels like faith healing is the only thing that can help him at this point. He asks me for a cigarette and I pass one to him.<br /><br />"You've never been hurt," he says, still studying me, and I wait for him to continue but he doesn't. I ask him what he means, and he repeats himself. In my mind I see myself in my bedroom as a child, and even now, rocking back and forth. The eternal me, hurting. I see all of the ways, all of the times that I have been humiliated, abused.<br /><br />And I smile. "I've been hurt," I say, and want to tell him how but when I see his shaking hands I can't. I lean against the fence.<br /><br />"... But I'm happy to be alive." He smiles at me and I take a deep breath, because I mean what I said. I let that happiness swell in my chest and feel it for a minute or so while we smoke in silence.<br /><br />What a beautiful gift.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-84967270103489382882010-11-14T11:42:00.000-08:002010-11-14T11:43:30.994-08:00My own Eyes"How are you, son?"<br /><br />The voice was that of an older relative, a man<br /><br />and I sparkled like a star for a moment<br /><br /> <br /><br />My dad looked at me and shrugged<br /><br />"This is one of my girls," he answered.<br /><br />Inside I felt a meteor hit my heart<br /><br />I was eight years old<br /><br />My chest still flat, my body long and lanky<br /><br />my hair licking at my ears in waves that wanted to be.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Later I lay on my back in the grass and looked down at my body<br /><br />There was a bump there, I saw it for myself<br /><br />I let the moonlight hit my eyes and carry me away<br /><br /> <br /><br />Still later...<br /><br /> <br /><br />"This is what it feels like to kiss a boy," I told her, and the others stared<br /><br />when I kissed her on the lips, my eyes closed but twinkling<br /><br />so soft<br /><br />When I opened them again the girls looked away and I did too<br /><br />scuffed my feet against the floor and bit my lip till it bled<br /><br />I walked home as if in a trance<br /><br /> <br /><br />On the way<br /><br />A voice came from under my shoe<br /><br />"But you're not a boy."<br /><br />My polka-dot blouse giggled nervously<br /><br /> <br /><br />But later on I took them off<br /><br />threw them in a heap in the corner of my room<br /><br />I kept my underpants on<br /><br />grabbed a sock from my drawer and opened up the blinds<br /><br /> <br /><br />My own venetian eyes drank in the stars outside my windowDamienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-68647973362982256082010-11-14T11:40:00.000-08:002010-11-14T11:42:38.188-08:00Beautiful ChildBeautiful child,<br /><br />I tied your umbilical cord with a piece of red yarn<br /><br />a tiny scarlet bow that was soft,<br /><br />so soft on your sweet velvet skin<br /><br />You looked up at me with liquid eyes and I knew that you knew<br /><br /> <br /><br />that my own cord was severed long ago<br /><br />before I taught myself to breathe.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Beautiful child,<br /><br />I handed you to your mother as soon as her eyes were open<br /><br />eyes like yours, only wiser<br /><br />She played with your toes, watched them turn pink<br /><br />a technicolour message of hope<br /><br /> <br /><br />I knelt at your feet,<br /><br />dressed in my finest rags.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I opened my mouth to speak<br /><br />but you reached out your tiny hand to silence me<br /><br />I didn't have to tell you<br /><br />about the moment the world turned dark.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-92104253893160934772010-08-25T20:19:00.000-07:002012-12-17T20:19:24.386-08:00in my dreams<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">burnt lines on olive skin</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">in my dreams i am a mother</span></div>
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Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-89844639106107010932010-08-11T20:09:00.000-07:002012-12-17T20:09:20.346-08:00almost love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
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Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-12602302679829211562010-06-19T09:09:00.000-07:002010-06-19T09:10:57.236-07:00night<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggsObJ7ZJkIZ31oZcZZReY-GR0GLICfp4MGezrTrpbNrAHDxDwKTA-J2p9xwtJPDl7ObWY2I6QnXAzsjWaE3qsqxQjhNnYGxD0E2ZMlD8nEjvHYO3ZreQK-O_7_9cekAyEdL2W87It2c4/s1600/baba-yaga.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 297px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggsObJ7ZJkIZ31oZcZZReY-GR0GLICfp4MGezrTrpbNrAHDxDwKTA-J2p9xwtJPDl7ObWY2I6QnXAzsjWaE3qsqxQjhNnYGxD0E2ZMlD8nEjvHYO3ZreQK-O_7_9cekAyEdL2W87It2c4/s400/baba-yaga.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484517958864607954" /></a><br />This house wraps around me like a moth-eaten scarf. Turning inside out, it has a pulse of it's own. From where I sit I see the chicken leg, the fence of skulls, the woods just beyond this window.<br /><br />"My Bright Dawn, my Red Sun, and my Dark Midnight."<br /><br />I see this<br /><br />Cleverly disguised as the end of a path, the cessation of loneliness that only truly lonely people can see right through. That ancient promise, the one that has us envisioning a life with no pain until you wake up and realize that it's an illusion. Relief from loneliness can happen only where there is surrender.<br /><br />Take me, I say, and the water I am being swept into is black as night. My eyes are closed and I pray for fearlessness until I sink down into this mattress, further down past the ground and the basement, into the center of the earth, and then into the void.<br /><br />This seemingly empty space sparkles for me. One second of illumination and I gasp for breath. It is so beautiful, so beautiful, because in this space is held everything without a name, every child, every creature that has never seen light, and thus, never been fearful. Because it is in light that fear is born, not in the darkness; true darkness is beautiful as the Yaga's mysterious home is beautiful.<br />As we are all beautiful.<br /><br />I see it right now, in my mind, and I ask that darkness to come to me like a ghost at my bedside. Blindfold me and leave me alone so that I can find my way in the night.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-37726050401134981842010-06-19T09:00:00.000-07:002010-06-19T09:01:40.071-07:00out for a smoke<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRutByxYlMTNboVlXKg3wSY-59Hztq8w37dZhPT8pDvbY_2SIDtUXCRdu2xLhvRXQsRBld09zkD_0O97cgDuuqIIiwzowXZBL5Z0ZtsFh-fIUk1wUbyjqU_0ydvHd_omd8sjdtK9HrU4o/s1600/squatting.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 262px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRutByxYlMTNboVlXKg3wSY-59Hztq8w37dZhPT8pDvbY_2SIDtUXCRdu2xLhvRXQsRBld09zkD_0O97cgDuuqIIiwzowXZBL5Z0ZtsFh-fIUk1wUbyjqU_0ydvHd_omd8sjdtK9HrU4o/s400/squatting.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484515509186803298" /></a><br />A man squats in the dead grass in front of his rooming house, digging in the earth and if everything around him falls away I am somewhere warm, in the country that he left to come here. I take a drag of my cigarette and wonder what he thought would be here for him. I wonder if he found it, if his body has forgotten what it is to be hungry, or if he still experiences hunger.<br /><br />Five minutes later a few old (and seemingly drunk) people ride by on bicycles, laughing. Their matted grey hair trails far behind like a flag of wild poverty, a wolfish gesture aimed at the air around them. Their beards and bosoms sway and pretty soon I am laughing too, listening to them holler at eachother not to get killed, or drop the beer.<br /><br />Finally there is a man in a wheelchair, moving down the sidewalk as if in a luxury vehicle. His strong brown arms move effortlessly, and there is so much grace that I have to look away, thinking of my own fumblings. His daughter moves in the background like an afterthought, humming a tiny song.<br /><br />And my connection with fire is satisfied until I am compelled again to sit outside, astounded and bewildered by what it means to be alive in this world.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-31945126791357863552010-06-19T08:53:00.001-07:002010-06-19T08:54:11.284-07:00Alone<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPcaaW3vwSRDbJ2BtfU29GXjuEmhzQWNhiYrJifpo_Q0cpTHm9sA_DT7_L9C0LXT3DnmrwBZUMjkBDTc2KH_z_2DlIQdt1KEbnDMj1Ua0O9hn8qSC_9Lu0-mGq6hqtOokheYA-hjB-R_8/s1600/tree.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 384px; height: 256px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPcaaW3vwSRDbJ2BtfU29GXjuEmhzQWNhiYrJifpo_Q0cpTHm9sA_DT7_L9C0LXT3DnmrwBZUMjkBDTc2KH_z_2DlIQdt1KEbnDMj1Ua0O9hn8qSC_9Lu0-mGq6hqtOokheYA-hjB-R_8/s400/tree.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484513592382801266" /></a><br />He is laying in bed and she is laying in bed and we are all laying in bed, alone.<br />Sometimes I want to close my eyes against all this loneliness<br />Separate beds and separate cries and separate lives<br />I watch his eyes on the wall and wait for him to blink but he doesn't<br />because there are no shadows, everything is a shadow<br />and when everything is in shadow our souls begin to die<br />I watch his soul die from the living room sofa and mine dies at the same time<br />and so does hers<br />and love hides under the bed, and we are alone<br />Sometimes I want to close my eyes against all this loneliness<br />but behind my eyelids I see shadow<br />more shadow and I am aloneDamienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-34831096847746419952010-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:002010-06-19T08:56:08.778-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg76kuRyKHm_7qvqkc2pM0JEcY5WTRNbREaQin-xr1WKngRto45N6zoI-FDuJXAh1C4zdkr68rW4Na7QDAESuCw6LKsVbuHCEdZHNiDJAyMrulHNxWIwocDTg6roeoDKXiJp3dhz9inJA8/s1600/sash.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg76kuRyKHm_7qvqkc2pM0JEcY5WTRNbREaQin-xr1WKngRto45N6zoI-FDuJXAh1C4zdkr68rW4Na7QDAESuCw6LKsVbuHCEdZHNiDJAyMrulHNxWIwocDTg6roeoDKXiJp3dhz9inJA8/s400/sash.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484514125633156354" /></a><br />I hold my daughter's hand while she walks, watching as she navigates litter and parts of the sidewalk that are still slippery with ice. She is very careful not to step on cracks, and I ask her why. She slows her pace and looks at me with eyes that hold many layers of darkness.<br /><br />"Because you're not supposed to," she says, and lets go of my hand. Suddenly I am walking alone, watching her run ahead. I pass a black shoe that someone has discarded or lost, and I look around briefly for the other one, because they are nice. There's only one, so I keep walking.<br /><br />She is far ahead now, but instead of asking her to slow down, I speed up to meet her pace. I light a cigarette and watch her skipping, listening to her sing songs in a tiny voice. The wind carries her voice to me, and her eyes, inherited from someone I hardly know, glow like fireflies in the shade. Because you're not supposed to, I think, and smile a bit. There is so much magic in a child's world.<br /><br />I want to paint her in this moment, shining with all the intensity of someone who has been chosen by the sun himself. I could never capture light like hersDamienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-11295515595940121242010-06-17T08:56:00.000-07:002010-06-19T08:57:29.977-07:00Lightening Eyes<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNU19YyO-JAf2USckgFaRCzIbEcYk0E6P2rCeYXIxyUERD8yMz9X1juRnZxH_zaLPSeri-krP0ik9c-GL3sCOZVvRDgD4JrOvfhT-8EnqHKoUAwI83Z_yQ6NRqMNpHvIH1_m88Uh9K4_c/s1600/turn+away.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 399px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNU19YyO-JAf2USckgFaRCzIbEcYk0E6P2rCeYXIxyUERD8yMz9X1juRnZxH_zaLPSeri-krP0ik9c-GL3sCOZVvRDgD4JrOvfhT-8EnqHKoUAwI83Z_yQ6NRqMNpHvIH1_m88Uh9K4_c/s400/turn+away.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484514462226753698" /></a><br />A man is in front of me, and he is spinning in circles. It seems he has no control over his body, and before I catch up he crashes into a fence.<br /><br />I give him my hand and his is warm like his smile. We walk a few blocks and get him some beer. He holds it to his chest in the same way that I held my babies, and his eyes are happy.<br /><br />I walk back home with my nine dollars worth of groceries and there is another neighbor. He tells me stories about how his ex-lover beat him for many years. He too has a hard time walking because his leg is badly broken, and there is alcohol on his breath. I get up to give him a seat on my front stoop so that he can rest his leg, and he shakes my hand many times and makes jokes about my hair. His eyes are tired.<br /><br />Later on there are others and when I go to sleep I dream that I have a see-through fence around my yard and on the grass there are many sleeping bodies, like children at a slumber party. Their yellow fingers clutch the grimy limbs of teddy bears and blankets, and I look out my window, so as not to disturb anyone.<br /><br />No one can touch these people through my magical fence - they are safe until they can walk and their bodies are able, and when police cars crawl by all the cops can do is stare. I stare back with lightening in my eyes.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-48618623313414417982010-06-10T08:58:00.000-07:002010-06-19T08:59:02.449-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipkhb0SRWphZPYxSLKKGBv8ZCO3oZSJPL-B8yd1248NkUXy7U7KI4bpw0aLJEdkdhC72yvdGRsvHrfcmzs2b2YvHW4QUsJ9BzbUyzUTqGdXMpmSoVje3NFMY1FLE-zRLP0qveCnuExnBk/s1600/careening.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 394px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipkhb0SRWphZPYxSLKKGBv8ZCO3oZSJPL-B8yd1248NkUXy7U7KI4bpw0aLJEdkdhC72yvdGRsvHrfcmzs2b2YvHW4QUsJ9BzbUyzUTqGdXMpmSoVje3NFMY1FLE-zRLP0qveCnuExnBk/s400/careening.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484514871646222914" /></a><br />A Gemini nightmare, careening through the clouds toward a door in the West, where I met my ancestors and offered them a rubber bone. It was all I brought with me from where I was, sitting in someone's backyard for seven years. I had stolen a pebble a day from the neighbors, had made something that almost resembled a mountain until I smashed it.<br /><br />They didn't want my bone, but pointed to the East and shook their heads, walking away. I opened the door and understood but went in, throwing my bone on the ground so I could have both hands free. But there wasn't anything there anyway, just darkness and shale. Over time my eyes became unaccustomed to light, and I lost them. Saint Anthony, I prayed, Come and find me. But he didn't, and I stayed there, pilfering shale from no one until I had another mountain. A Gemini daydream, translucent and becoming, lost in the chaos of reproduction. Some of us were never meant to find our way.Damienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3255230992259482305.post-5814403862886354182010-06-05T09:11:00.000-07:002010-06-19T09:11:49.946-07:00the sunWe face the sun together, all of us who have the mis/fortune of waking, we face the sun together<br /><br />Me and the guy who picks up the garbage. I watch his muscles ripple under his shirt and I want him to look my way. The people bustling down the street, holding their breath when they pass by the graveyard; I watch their smiles fade under the burst of bright light and I think of Hiroshima.<br /><br />I am aghast. What the fuck is rising above me? The sun, the one we all turn our heads toward at the very same time.<br /><br />Multi-coloured children like flowers growing in the grass around me, I wonder which ones have mothers and I mouth prayers with sunburned lips for those that don't. God help us<br /><br />We face the sun together, even those that have never seen light<br /><br />The guy at the bus stop yesterday, telling me of his temptation to hurt those he loves. His eyes were confessing a truth that I understand well. He does what he says and they in turn hurt others and so do I and we all face the sun together. God help us<br /><br />because we hurt<br /><br />But there is this fucked up kinda hope that comes in the form of a golden sphere, a crystal ball, rising, always, shining on the garbage man and the guy at the bus stop, the children in the grass<br />and me<br />and you<br /><br />God help us<br />I mean this from the bottom of my heartDamienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00595258523800641799noreply@blogger.com0