Why am I so inclined to suffer?
I plug my nose and stuff socks in my mouth so that I cannot breathe
spit them out, panting and gagging
Slicing my shoulders with a razor blade so that no one will see
that I am a coward

I smoke until I vomit
The C-word not applicable anymore
I exorcised that demon and it crawled back inside
but sits in the corner, bored

Why am I so inclined to lose?
I lose everything I have, give it away, even after much thought
I want someone to rip out my insides,
turn me inside out. I see myself on street corners and think this is the only way
I will be happy, with nothing
This is calculated loss

I am in and out of darkness
This is the way it has to be for now

fear

Sometimes my heart is dark as night.  I step out of my body, watching the girl on the bed, pillow over her head, shaking like a bag of bones.

This fear recreates me.

I step outside, feet barely touching the clouds of snow that hang around like thugs on a streetcorner. I am warm but know that I shouldn't be.

This fear recreates me.

I look inside windows and see people staring at televisons. I watch a woman lean over her kitchen sink with her hands full of bubbles, weeping.

This fear recreates me

As I smooth my static, ghostly hair from my face a child plays silently with toys that talk back but don't say the words he wants them to.  He is weeping.

This fear recreates me

And curtains close, and lights shut off and I am born again.