He is staring at me and I am nervous. He spreads the cards out on the table.
"You have a lot of beauty," he
says, and continues.
"Did you have a drug
problem?" I shrug, picking at my
fingernails.
He catches my eyes. "You have dark forces inside of
you." I think I hear the word "entities" and feel the blood
drain from my face.
I clear my throat.
"What do I do about that?"
Half an hour later I am on a table and he
is pushing at my stomach. I feel
strangely aroused and close my eyes so that I can notice if anything
changes. He works his way up and pushes
on my shoulders.
I am surprised by his
strength... he's a really small guy.
"Okay," he says, and my eyes snap
open. He asks if I feel different.
Thinking about it, I say yes, not
mentioning that the difference is actually a weird sexual feeling and a bit of
dizziness.
I get on my bike and chug the coffee that I
left in the basket, light a cigarette and ride home.
People in my life have been leaving me and
I'm starting to get a complex.
I think that annihilation.., that point
where your ego dies is an important step in the rebuilding of Self. This is what happened to me a couple of weeks
ago at the carnival. I was destroyed, and I thought I was going to die. Allowing myself to feel that complete annihilation of self is something that, in hindsight, I am happy for. Because I see myself more clearly now. I think I put myself in situations,
constantly, where I am close to being destroyed, in order to kill whatever it
is inside of me that won't let myself be.
If I can hold on, I think it might work. Or
I might fall off the other side, which I think is probably more likely.
