Tuesday, September 22, 2009

blah blah

He is staring at me and I am nervous.  He spreads the cards out on the table.

"You have a lot of beauty," he says, and continues.

"Did you have a drug problem?"  I shrug, picking at my fingernails.

He catches my eyes.  "You have dark forces inside of you." I think I hear the word "entities" and feel the blood drain from my face.
I clear my throat.

"What do I do about that?"
Half an hour later I am on a table and he is pushing at my stomach.  I feel strangely aroused and close my eyes so that I can notice if anything changes.  He works his way up and pushes on my shoulders.   
I am surprised by his strength... he's a really small guy.

"Okay," he says, and my eyes snap open.  He asks if I feel different.

Thinking about it, I say yes, not mentioning that the difference is actually a weird sexual feeling and a bit of dizziness.

I get on my bike and chug the coffee that I left in the basket, light a cigarette and ride home.
People in my life have been leaving me and I'm starting to get a complex.

I think that annihilation.., that point where your ego dies is an important step in the rebuilding of Self.  This is what happened to me a couple of weeks ago at the carnival. I was destroyed, and I thought I was going to die.  Allowing myself to feel that complete annihilation of self is something that, in hindsight, I am happy for.  Because I see myself more clearly now.  I think I put myself in situations, constantly, where I am close to being destroyed, in order to kill whatever it is inside of me that won't let myself be.
If I can hold on, I think it might work. Or I might fall off the other side, which I think is probably more likely.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


O Holy Mother
Recreate me in your womb
Build me again, from conception
Watch me grow
Nourish me with Love

O Holy Mother
Help me to see myself through your eyes
Fill me with compassion not only for others
but for my own Beginning
Different from all other beginnings