Why am I so inclined to suffer?
I plug my nose and stuff socks in my mouth so that I cannot breathe
spit them out, panting and gagging
Slicing my shoulders with a razor blade so that no one will see
that I am a coward

I smoke until I vomit
The C-word not applicable anymore
I exorcised that demon and it crawled back inside
but sits in the corner, bored

Why am I so inclined to lose?
I lose everything I have, give it away, even after much thought
I want someone to rip out my insides,
turn me inside out. I see myself on street corners and think this is the only way
I will be happy, with nothing
This is calculated loss

I am in and out of darkness
This is the way it has to be for now